I just want to start off by letting everyone know that I'm back now. I am currently back to never leaving my computer and always being on something somewhere sometime... but today is not a happy day for me -__-

This past month I have been spending every waking moment with my love.. she came down for the summer from Kansas and spent nearly a month with me here in Canada. We've known each other for 11 months and been dating for 10 months long distance. Almost right away we both felt something different about what we had... a sort of security in our relationship. That feeling only grew more and more, I was falling deeper and deeper into love with her. We had high hopes on meeting each other someday and started planning just that.

After many months and dollars later, there she was... walking out of terminal 3 at the Toronto airport. My god when I set my eyes on her I almost jumped over the railings that were the only thing keeping me from her. Almost a year of waiting... a year of creating love, a year of growing love, a year of the strongest anticipation I've ever experienced...

The car ride to the airport to pick her up felt like the longest car ride of my life.. and it was... until last night...


Last night she went home.. we drove her to Detroit to meet up with her parents. After a month of spending time with each other, from waking up to going to sleep, I never tired of her... never wanted to be anywhere else but with her...

When we said our goodbyes on the side of that road and she stepped into her van and me into mine... I began to cry.. I cried more then I have before.... a million little voice in my head were screaming at me... a million little claws ripping at my heart... "GO! Get out, get out now and run after her.. kiss and hug her one last time.."

I said goodbye to my angel at 4:35 pm yesterday evening... the lonely ride back was the longest... most painful 8 hours of my life. I looked back from the front seat.. and saw the pillow she used, the seat she sat in, the picture she drew me, my sweater that she used as a blanket... I've never cried from 8 straight hours... not until then. I couldn't look up at the sky, the only beauty that matched that of a clear blue sky with white fluffy clouds was the beauty I saw when I looked in my Angels eyes... and I knew that... I cried..

When we reached a rest stop I went into the back of the van and grabbed the pillow she used to rest on the trip there and I took it to the front with me. I also went and looked for a toy that she had dropped between the seat and the wall... just a little Pokemon marble thing... but it was one of the only things I had left of her and I wanted it...
I never once let go of that pillow for the rest of the trip... I closed my eyes and hugged it into the same width of her shoulders and chest that I memorized from the millions of hugs before, I cried, I fell asleep like this.

After the ride home... I entered the house... oh the house.
We were between moves when she came to stay with me, she moved into this house at the same time I did. I experienced it when she did and with her. I returned to what felt like an empty house, and haunted and lonely place... I walked in and went down stairs to put my stuff on my desk. The first thing I saw was the two PS2 controllers... I broke down crying right there... all the funs races we had, shootouts, tricks and songs we did... now replaced by an eerie silence of an inactive TV... the controller she always used still sprawled out across the floor from the night before. I don't know how long I sat there on the floor crying... looking at everything and being reminded of her...

I went to bed... and I had her pillow with me. When she was here she used my bed as I used a spare camping like one.
I returned to my bed to sleep for the night... I began to cry when I realized my bed still smelt just like her, had a slight imprint of her... Just that morning she was sitting on the corner of it getting ready. I laid down and cried myself to sleep in the comforting embrace of her presence...

I had a dream of her.. then woke up to now... I sit here now typing this from behind cloudy, teary eyes... I have eaten very little since she left.. the thought of cooking something for breakfast and not having her there to share or try it just begins to swell tears in me again. This house is quiet and lonely without her... It's a place I'm not familiar with, I don't want to be here.

Mel.. I miss you more then I ever thought it possible to miss someone... You're everything to me. I'm longing for your hugs, your kisses, you nibbles and tickles... I'm so very lost and directionless without you... I don't know what to do. I NEED you. I know its only 4 months to Christmas, and us seeing each other again... but I felt awkward when you were gone for an hour. I love you Melissa, I love you eternally and truthfully. I always will...

Melissa... you're my soul mate.



Love forever and always
Paul DeCoste